A woman speaking in church today said "God is so good, I could never be unhappy with anything He chooses to give me."
While I personally can't say that I am never unhappy with anything God chooses to give me, it was something interesting to think about.
God wants us to be happy, He only wants the best for us. He knows that by sending us the trials He chooses to send us that it is the best thing for us at that time in our lives. That doesn't suddenly make things easier, but to me it does bring hope.
Tonight as we did family scriptures before putting our daughter to bed, we were reading in Helaman chapter 5. It is where Nephi and Lehi are in prison and are overshadowed by a dark cloud (verse 28). Then a voice speaks to them in verses 29-30. Verse 34 talks about the people being immovable because of the fear that came upon them. Then Verse 41 really stuck out to us. It talks about how they needed to "repent, and cry unto the voice, even until ye shall have faith in Christ."
It was a nice comparison for me from verse 34 to verse 41 to show that faith and fear cannot coexist. They were afraid and unable to move, then they were told to pray until they had faith.
I can take the small glimmers of hope that I get every once in a while and use them to help me pray until I have faith, driving the fear away. I would love to be able to say that I am not afraid of anything God chooses to give me, because I know He will also help me get through it.
Sunday, May 27, 2012
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Not sure how to feel
It has been 8 months since I found out about my husband's affair and pornography addiction. So many changes have happened in those 8 months. As a couple. As a family. As a mother. As a wife. As a daughter of God. I have learned new things about myself in all these roles. And yet with all the learning there is still so much uncertainty. I am unsure of "us", unsure of myself, unsure of my mothering abilities, unsure of logistical details with our family right now. Just so unsure.
I had so much confidence until quite recently. I thought we were doing well. I was doing everything I thought I should for my own recovery. It has now become clear to me that I may have just been burying my resentment and hurt, rather than letting go of it.
I talked to husband about my feelings and it did not go as well as I was hoping. I asked him to spend more time talking with me about the affair and how we can recover from that as a couple. He agreed. We started reading a book together, alternating every other night with the book we'd already started on pornography addiction. It is hard to read. Even harder to read with him. Tonight he commented that the book seems like it's full of despair. And while I agree that the book seems to not focus on as much of what to do next, we are still in the very beginning. It is still discussing all the possible ramifications of affairs. It seems logical to me that it would feel full of despair. I've felt those feelings in real life, not just reading about them on a page. I still struggle with them often. I still doubt him. I still doubt myself. And I thought having something on a page, written by someone else, would make it easier for me to tell him "yes, I agree with that. I have felt (or still do feel) that way." But it isn't how I feel. I blame it partly on the weekend we had. Full of tears and anger and sadness and hurt and lack of sleep. But also because it's such a fine line to walk between wanting him to understand how his actions have made me feel, and trying to be careful so he doesn't throw his hands in the air again and say "it's just too hard. I don't think we can do it. I don't think our marriage can be saved."
I had so much confidence until quite recently. I thought we were doing well. I was doing everything I thought I should for my own recovery. It has now become clear to me that I may have just been burying my resentment and hurt, rather than letting go of it.
I talked to husband about my feelings and it did not go as well as I was hoping. I asked him to spend more time talking with me about the affair and how we can recover from that as a couple. He agreed. We started reading a book together, alternating every other night with the book we'd already started on pornography addiction. It is hard to read. Even harder to read with him. Tonight he commented that the book seems like it's full of despair. And while I agree that the book seems to not focus on as much of what to do next, we are still in the very beginning. It is still discussing all the possible ramifications of affairs. It seems logical to me that it would feel full of despair. I've felt those feelings in real life, not just reading about them on a page. I still struggle with them often. I still doubt him. I still doubt myself. And I thought having something on a page, written by someone else, would make it easier for me to tell him "yes, I agree with that. I have felt (or still do feel) that way." But it isn't how I feel. I blame it partly on the weekend we had. Full of tears and anger and sadness and hurt and lack of sleep. But also because it's such a fine line to walk between wanting him to understand how his actions have made me feel, and trying to be careful so he doesn't throw his hands in the air again and say "it's just too hard. I don't think we can do it. I don't think our marriage can be saved."
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