Today I am really having a hard time figuring out forgiveness. I have been thinking about it for several months now. I wish I could say that I was one of those people who are able to just forgive without even giving it a second thought.
In the beginning, I kind of felt like because I was willing to work things out with my husband, that was a sign of my forgiving him. But then as the days and weeks and months went on, and I continued to feel so much hurt and pain and even anger that I started really thinking about it and wondering.
What is forgiveness? Am I ready to forgive my husband? Have I forgiven him already? If I did - when was it? Was it when I stopped feeling anger and resentment, and just started feeling hurt and sadness? (I don't think those things will ever go away completely, I think they are there for me and him as a reminder of what happened and hopefully they will help safeguard us in the future. - So I am not waiting until I no longer feel hurt before I feel like I've forgiven). If I haven't, how do I? Is it just something you decide to do? How do you reconcile feelings with the desire to forgive? I know that I want to, I know that I need to, and in a way I feel like I have.
I took a class about Forgiveness from Danny and Mara and they had some great points that helped me consider forgiveness in a new light and think about what forgiveness is all about. (It was a great class and I highly recommend it!) I thought I was doing pretty good because I was still feeling good about the progress my husband and I were making. I still was happy with him, I still wanted to be married to him, I was working on my own recovery . . . I understand now though that forgiveness is not tied to our reconciliation. Even if we chose to divorce, I could still forgive him.
Then last night, he was talking with the Bishop and they discussed the possibility of him being reinstated in the Church sooner than had previously been talked about. When he told me about that, I suddenly had a sinking feeling in my stomach. That would mean that he would be able to attend a family wedding that we weren't counting on him being at. We already have an "excuse" of why he won't be able to make it which we have told family members that don't know what is going on with him. So he asked me how I would feel about that. I told him I honestly didn't know. I just kept trying to picture me sitting by him in the Temple and I feel so uncertain about that. I think that was when I realized that I haven't completely forgiven him yet. The thought of sitting by him in the Temple should make me overjoyed, right?
Then he went on to tell me that he doesn't feel like I've forgiven him. He said it doesn't matter to him, but that he wants me to be able to feel that peace for myself and that he prays for that, for me. I don't consider myself to be this bitter, damaged person, but when I look at it that way and think about if I have peace, no, I don't. Not consistently anyway. It comes in moments, but then I start feeling so hurt and it makes any hope or peace or faith that I have been feeling seem so diminished. (Faith and fear can't co-exist, right? I felt like I was on the right track because I wasn't feeling angry, but I think whatever it is I'm feeling probably can't co-exist with forgiveness.)
I feel horrible about this. I want to be free from the debilitating hurt and feel the peace of the Savior. I want my husband to know that not only do I love him and want to stay married to him, but also that I completely forgive him. I had a wonderful experience in the Temple and I have developed a more sure understanding of the Atonement. I know I have many weaknesses and I want to be forgiven.
So does anyone have any tips about forgiveness? What are things you did to help you get to the point you could forgive? How did you know that you had forgiven someone? I am really afraid of saying "I forgive you" then continuing to feel all that hurt and then worrying if I haven't really forgiven. I want to feel it in my whole heart without doubt and because I don't yet, that's how I know I'm missing something.
I think forgiveness is something we need to be striving towards, which it sounds like you are, but we also need to give ourselves time and space to process everything and get there on our own time (while working towards it and counseling with God.) I sometimes get stressed because my husband's recovery is moving so much quicker than mine -- here he is doing so well (got his temple recommend back last night, in fact) and doing everything he can -- and I feel like it's my 'job' to forgive him and feel peace about it all because he's working hard and doing well. He's been reminding me lately that our recoveries are separate entities, and he doesn't want me 'pushing' myself to where I haven't gotten to yet, just because I feel like I'm supposed to.
ReplyDeleteBasically, what I'm saying, is that it feels like you're trying to get there. And you will. You're getting there -- just keep doing what you're doing and don't worry about any kind of timelines . . .
(You mentioned the sitting in the temple thing -- for me, the big thing for me is that we're getting emotionally and physically more intimate, and I feel like I SHOULD want to be more physical, then I'll suddenly freak out about it and feel bad that I'm not 'meeting him halfway' . . . he's been good to give me space and time with no expectations right now. Time and space -- and we'll all get to where we need to be!)
Hugs!
Time and space . . . That is so valuable. I keep thinking I want this fixed right now (wouldn't that be nice) but my husband and I have also talked about some of the differences in our recoveries. He has known all along what was going on, while it came as quite a shock to me. Sometimes I feel like I get stuck back at square one with processing it all, realizing that this really is my life and taking a minute to grieve what I thought I had. Your comments are really valuable to me right now, thank you.
DeleteI think Hx is right, I think you are on your way. I think you're doing all the homework, learning and pondering. My default answer for everything is TIME. I've been through all the feelings you've described so I'll just validate them as I see it.
ReplyDeleteYou can still be sad and forgiving, forgiveness is required (to find peace) even if you divorce, and finding it difficult to imagine yourself in the temple with him is totally normal.
I'm not really sure, but I'm thinking forgiveness isn't all or nothing. You've shown some definite signs of forgiving, but still feel some things lacking. Hang in there.
I agree that it isn't all or nothing. I think just the mere fact that I was willing to talk to him initially showed that I had a fragment of forgiveness right away. Now slowly little pieces are coming more and more as I work on it and process everything.
DeleteI'm mulling over this a lot with a couple of relationships in my extended family. Two things come to mind.
ReplyDeleteOne is this from Melodie Beattie: "I kept trying to forgive alcoholics [fill in the blank here with our own different situations -- in my case, it's not substances or things like prn, just unhealthy family system dynamics] for drinking [again, we can fill in the blank] when I was still allowing myself to be victimized by [their choices]." For me, the 'victimization' usually happens in my head because I'm still holding onto hurt or letting myself be caught up in the dysfunction. My struggle is figuring out to really let go of that and to choose something besides playing a role in the dysfunction. Why do I hold on when I think I want peace? I dunno. It's a mortal thing, I think. Something that I imagine takes time to learn. But I liked how she tied forgiveness to one's own personal healing (that's the way I read it). So I keep 'working the steps' in my life, because I really do want to get to the point where I can let go of things from my life that I know are holding me back.
I also love this from Pres. Faust: "A sister who had been through a painful divorce received some sound advice from her bishop: “Keep a place in your heart for forgiveness, and when it comes, welcome it in.”"
It sounds like you are trying to keep a place. So keep it up. ;) I think I'm still working on making a place. In my mind, I am feeling like when I can trust God more to take care of the hurt in my life, I will hold on less to the hurt. But I do think it often is a process.
I agree that forgiveness is for me. I need to forgive him no matter what happens between us, in order to feel peace in my life. I love that quote from President Faust! And going along with Jane's comment, it can fill up a little at a time, bit by bit.
DeleteBec, you've been through hell. You are doing good things. You are doing the things that will lead you to forgiveness. Be patient with yourself. It's obvious to me that you are doing the best you can...and that is all that is required of us.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your words of encouragement:) patience is definitely not my strongest virtue :)
DeleteI don't really have any answers for you, but I want to say that I think the fact that you simply have a desire for forgiveness says a lot. If your desires are good, then the completion of your emotions and actions will follow when the time is right. As for the temple, it might just be the initial shock and change of expectations. Once you allow yourself time to readjust, the peace that you hope for might be there. In any situation, I am touched by your sincerity and love for your family.
ReplyDeleteI agree that it was mostly just the change of expectations. I have even praying that I can have trust in the Lord that whatever happens is the right thing, and that I will be able to accept it wholeheartedly. I really like how you say the completion of emotions and actions will follow, if desires are good. Very insightful, thank you.
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