It has been 8 months since I found out about my husband's affair and pornography addiction. So many changes have happened in those 8 months. As a couple. As a family. As a mother. As a wife. As a daughter of God. I have learned new things about myself in all these roles. And yet with all the learning there is still so much uncertainty. I am unsure of "us", unsure of myself, unsure of my mothering abilities, unsure of logistical details with our family right now. Just so unsure.
I had so much confidence until quite recently. I thought we were doing well. I was doing everything I thought I should for my own recovery. It has now become clear to me that I may have just been burying my resentment and hurt, rather than letting go of it.
I talked to husband about my feelings and it did not go as well as I was hoping. I asked him to spend more time talking with me about the affair and how we can recover from that as a couple. He agreed. We started reading a book together, alternating every other night with the book we'd already started on pornography addiction. It is hard to read. Even harder to read with him. Tonight he commented that the book seems like it's full of despair. And while I agree that the book seems to not focus on as much of what to do next, we are still in the very beginning. It is still discussing all the possible ramifications of affairs. It seems logical to me that it would feel full of despair. I've felt those feelings in real life, not just reading about them on a page. I still struggle with them often. I still doubt him. I still doubt myself. And I thought having something on a page, written by someone else, would make it easier for me to tell him "yes, I agree with that. I have felt (or still do feel) that way." But it isn't how I feel. I blame it partly on the weekend we had. Full of tears and anger and sadness and hurt and lack of sleep. But also because it's such a fine line to walk between wanting him to understand how his actions have made me feel, and trying to be careful so he doesn't throw his hands in the air again and say "it's just too hard. I don't think we can do it. I don't think our marriage can be saved."
I'm so sorry. I wish I had something more to offer, but we'll all be here with you on your journey to becoming whole, cheering you on, praying for you and offering our help, suggestions, support and virtual shoulders to lean on!
ReplyDeleteThank you for the support. It's so amazing to know there are people out there that I can go to and share with.
DeleteBec,
ReplyDeleteI'm happy you've started a blog! We need each other! I know my husband and I had a book we were reading together that we had to stop because it was too hard on him. He felt like a villain every time we read. We stopped after a few chapters. I don't know if it was the right thing to do, but it seemed like, "if it's not helping, then try something else." A book that we read together and both really loved was "His Needs, Her Needs" have you heard of it? I'd be happy to tell you specifically what was helpful if you are interested.
I agree that if something isn't helping, it isn't worth the time. We just got another book today to try, but I would love to hear more about the book you recommended. You can comment here, or email me t crushedwife at gmail. Thanks for the support
DeleteI have been dealing with my husband's addiction for nearly 11 years, but it took me a long time to understand that it was just that - an addiction. I still feel so much uncertanity. I don't know if they have a support group through LDS Family Services in your area, but if you aren't going to a support group & there is one in the area I would encourage you to go. It has been a huge help to me. And Marlee is right about, His Need, Her Needs - awesome book - you might even be able to check it out at the library. Anyhow - so glad to find another speaking & sharing. We can fight this battle together & strengthen each other as we walk this path.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comment. It is really important to realize that it is just an addiction. Unfortunately, I live on the East coast and there aren't any LDS meetings in my area. I tried going to an SA meeting, but didn't really feel like it was very helpful. I've been going through the 12 step manual though, and it is so great. I love being able to connect with people online - although I'm pretty timid about writing. I love to just come read what others have to say because I don't feel like I'm very good at writing, but it is really good for me I think.
DeleteOh, Bec. My heart is breaking for you. We are all here for you. We've got your back. I know it's not the same as feeling like your husband has your back though. And that's so hard. Are you on the Hope & Healing forum already? There is also a public blog side. Both places are full of resources to choose from: books, websites, etc., and I know the administrators are just getting started. From what I've seen and heard, some of the resources that are around on the subject are -- unfortunately -- very negative. But at Hope & Healing, they are trying to focus on just the opposite: HOPE and HEALING. Positive, helpful stuff. Very cool. Very upbeat. Here are the links:
ReplyDeleteHope & Healing blog: http://www.hopeandhealinglds.com/
intro screen for Hope & Healing forum (even though you probably already know about it):
http://www.hopeandhealinglds.com/forum-for-wives/
You might also try reading some shorter talks and articles with your hubby that aren't so long and overwhelming as a book. Or maybe mix it up! (I know of a ton, so contact me if you want a list). My email is angelgirly1980 at hotmail.
Also ... I know live LDS support groups are the ideal. I hear you! But I am on the east coast too, and I know how much fewer and far between those groups are out here in the "mission field." Don't limit yourself, though! See what else is out there. I have a tab on my site (www.healingatheavensfountain.blogspot.com) where I'm indexing all kinds of support groups. See what you can find. Visit some different groups to try them on for size. Follow the Spirit. Don't be nervous. If something doesn't work out, you can always just excuse yourself or just don't go back. You are in control, honey! If you want support, get out there and find some. Of course, we will always be here waiting on your computer, any time of day or night, too.
Sending you a giant cyber hug and lots of love and positive thoughts your way. You can DO this. You will make it through. And if you and hubsters work together and both really want to make the marriage work, YOU WILL! Have no fear. Hope!
Thank you so much for the information and words of encouragement. I am on the hope and healing forum - I'm crushed wife on there. I love how positive it is on there compared to other places. It's nice to have a place to go and feel uplifted even in the midst of all this unknown and sadness. I'll email you soon for some book recommendations. Thanks!
DeleteHi Bec! I totally remember this part of recovery and sometimes were still in the thick of it. I have more to say...so i'll come back later. I have to get back to work! Lol
ReplyDeleteThanks for stopping by - I love your blog, you have a talent for writing. It's so great to have this community to relate to.
DeleteCan I link to your blog, Bec? I am looking forward to more posts from you. We do need each other and it is nice to know we're not alone. Hang in there. Don't hesitate to reach out to sisters out here in the online world ! These gals are super amazing !
ReplyDelete((HUGS))
Yes of course you can link to my blog! Thanks for your words. I agree that we need each other. I'm not sure what I would do if I didn't have all your blogs to read for comfort. I don't write much yet, but I'm trying to be better about commenting and I want to keep up with my own blogging efforts too.
DeleteThank you for commenting on my blog! I just came over to "meet" you. Sending my love. It's a rough road. And husbands aren't always ready to travel that road when we are. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteThanks for coming over :) I've been a blog stalker of yours for a while now. I'm not the greatest at commenting, but I'm trying to be better at reaching out and becoming a member of this online community.
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