There have been so many times I have thought of something I wanted to write on here, blog posts I started in my mind or even an actual post online. However, we are in the middle of an international move and quite frankly, I haven't been able to dedicate as much time as I'd like to recovery activities.
Last night, after 2 very busy days of moving out of our apartment, we crashed into bed at our hotel at 10, which is about 3 hours earlier than we've gone to bed in a week. I was exhausted.
I woke up sometime in the middle of the night after a horrible dream. In it, I had just discovered my husband acting out. When I was shocked that he didn't seem too broken up about breaking his streak of sobriety, he just laughed and said I was foolish for believing he hadn't all this time.
I'm not one who feels like I get inspiration from dreams necessarily. But it was just a vivid enough dream that I can't shake it from my mind. It just reminded me that I have reason to doubt him. I am trying to rebuild trust but in the back of my mind I am often worried that I am going to discover that my trust has been broken again.
Ugh, I'm so sorry.
ReplyDeleteScabs would be a good one to ask about this. I think she had experiences with dreams as premonitions.
ReplyDeleteIf it is a premonition, I think you can consider it a loving protective gift from God. If it's not, imo you can still consider it a blessing because it can invite you to keep working your recovery so that come what may, you'll be able to face it with that detached-with-love kind of response that can keep the addiction's power over YOU at bay. Let God take it and either way, you've got this because He's got you covered.
Saying a prayer for you and for him tonite.
I have whacked out dreams often. Usually when things are going poorly I dream about old boyfriends. Weird huh? I think dreams reflect what we are feeling deep inside below our intentions to be "better". You don't need to TRY to trust your husband. As his actions improve over time and his words match his actions, your trust will slowly, naturally be restored. I wouldn't take the dream as proof that something is happening currently, just that you are still processing the hurt and betrayal.
ReplyDeletePS Good luck on the logistics of your move! It will be great when life settles down a bit, huh? '
PPS did you tell your husband about the dream? Maybe it would be a good discussion point?
I think for me the trying to trust him comes In the sense that I don't fight the urge to trust him when they do start to come back. I have to try to let myself, as he is earning it. Does that make more sense?
DeleteThanks for the well wishes!i it will definitely be nice when I can settle into a bit more of a routine :)
I haven't talked to him about it, and I'm sure it would be a good discussion point, someday when the time is right.
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ReplyDelete