Not sure how to feel

It has been 8 months since I found out about my husband's affair and pornography addiction. So many changes have happened in those 8 months. As a couple. As a family. As a mother. As a wife. As a daughter of God. I have learned new things about myself in all these roles. And yet with all the learning there is still so much uncertainty. I am unsure of "us", unsure of myself, unsure of my mothering abilities, unsure of logistical details with our family right now. Just so unsure. 

I had so much confidence until quite recently. I thought we were doing well. I was doing everything I thought I should for my own recovery. It has now become clear to me that I may have just been burying my resentment and hurt, rather than letting go of it.

I talked to husband about my feelings and it did not go as well as I was hoping. I asked him to spend more time talking with me about the affair and how we can recover from that as a couple. He agreed. We started reading a book together, alternating every other night with the book we'd already started on pornography addiction. It is hard to read. Even harder to read with him. Tonight he commented that the book seems like it's full of despair. And while I agree that the book seems to not focus on as much of what to do next, we are still in the very beginning. It is still discussing all the possible ramifications of affairs. It seems logical to me that it would feel full of despair. I've felt those feelings in real life, not just reading about them on a page. I still struggle with them often. I still doubt him. I still doubt myself. And I thought having something on a page, written by someone else, would make it easier for me to tell him "yes, I agree with that. I have felt (or still do feel) that way." But it isn't how I feel. I blame it partly on the weekend we had. Full of tears and anger and sadness and hurt and lack of sleep. But also because it's such a fine line to walk between wanting him to understand how his actions have made me feel, and trying to be careful so he doesn't throw his hands in the air again and say "it's just too hard. I don't think we can do it. I don't think our marriage can be saved."