Today I am really having a hard time figuring out forgiveness. I have been thinking about it for several months now. I wish I could say that I was one of those people who are able to just forgive without even giving it a second thought.
In the beginning, I kind of felt like because I was willing to work things out with my husband, that was a sign of my forgiving him. But then as the days and weeks and months went on, and I continued to feel so much hurt and pain and even anger that I started really thinking about it and wondering.
What is forgiveness? Am I ready to forgive my husband? Have I forgiven him already? If I did - when was it? Was it when I stopped feeling anger and resentment, and just started feeling hurt and sadness? (I don't think those things will ever go away completely, I think they are there for me and him as a reminder of what happened and hopefully they will help safeguard us in the future. - So I am not waiting until I no longer feel hurt before I feel like I've forgiven). If I haven't, how do I? Is it just something you decide to do? How do you reconcile feelings with the desire to forgive? I know that I want to, I know that I need to, and in a way I feel like I have.
I took a class about Forgiveness from Danny and Mara and they had some great points that helped me consider forgiveness in a new light and think about what forgiveness is all about. (It was a great class and I highly recommend it!) I thought I was doing pretty good because I was still feeling good about the progress my husband and I were making. I still was happy with him, I still wanted to be married to him, I was working on my own recovery . . . I understand now though that forgiveness is not tied to our reconciliation. Even if we chose to divorce, I could still forgive him.
Then last night, he was talking with the Bishop and they discussed the possibility of him being reinstated in the Church sooner than had previously been talked about. When he told me about that, I suddenly had a sinking feeling in my stomach. That would mean that he would be able to attend a family wedding that we weren't counting on him being at. We already have an "excuse" of why he won't be able to make it which we have told family members that don't know what is going on with him. So he asked me how I would feel about that. I told him I honestly didn't know. I just kept trying to picture me sitting by him in the Temple and I feel so uncertain about that. I think that was when I realized that I haven't completely forgiven him yet. The thought of sitting by him in the Temple should make me overjoyed, right?
Then he went on to tell me that he doesn't feel like I've forgiven him. He said it doesn't matter to him, but that he wants me to be able to feel that peace for myself and that he prays for that, for me. I don't consider myself to be this bitter, damaged person, but when I look at it that way and think about if I have peace, no, I don't. Not consistently anyway. It comes in moments, but then I start feeling so hurt and it makes any hope or peace or faith that I have been feeling seem so diminished. (Faith and fear can't co-exist, right? I felt like I was on the right track because I wasn't feeling angry, but I think whatever it is I'm feeling probably can't co-exist with forgiveness.)
I feel horrible about this. I want to be free from the debilitating hurt and feel the peace of the Savior. I want my husband to know that not only do I love him and want to stay married to him, but also that I completely forgive him. I had a wonderful experience in the Temple and I have developed a more sure understanding of the Atonement. I know I have many weaknesses and I want to be forgiven.
So does anyone have any tips about forgiveness? What are things you did to help you get to the point you could forgive? How did you know that you had forgiven someone? I am really afraid of saying "I forgive you" then continuing to feel all that hurt and then worrying if I haven't really forgiven. I want to feel it in my whole heart without doubt and because I don't yet, that's how I know I'm missing something.
